RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words,  "And May God Bless"with a big smile on his face

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist shows him an ink blot picture and asks him to say the first thing that he thinks of, to which he replies, "Sex." He shows him another and again he replies, "Sex." This continues through the whole set and every time he replies, "Sex." The psychiatrist is dismayed by this and tells the patient that his problem is that he is obsessed with sex. "I'm obsessed with sex?" he replies indignantly, "You're the one with the dirty pictures!"

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”
The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Padddy says to mick if you guess how many doughnuts are in my hand you can have them both

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? 

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

Really bad dad joke warning

I went for a meal at a fancy new restaurant recently. For my main course, I ordered the chef's speciality; roast pelican. It was nice, but the bill was huge.

/me hangs head in shame

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

“So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, “Ehhhh … 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell me your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two.”

This isn’t looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name, please?”

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “Just out of curiosity, Miss, I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Oh that!” replies the Blonde, “That’s just me running through, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you’.”

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

A bear walks into a diner, pads up to the counter and looks over the menu. The bear says, "I'll have a grilled .................... cheese, please.

"Sure thing, pal," says the man behind the counter. Curious, he asks, "But what's with the pause?"

The bear holds up his paws and replies, "What do you want from me? I'm a bear."

The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. 

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though. 

Why did the Hobbit die after eating a Mushroom? 

 Cus it was a poisin Mushroom!

bara boom!

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"