Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

 I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!"

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles."

I'm terrified of elevators so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?
 

Nobody Nose

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court the game would be canceled

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.

Lol I forgot where I read this joke, but it was a corny dad joke that got a laugh out of me.

"What do you call an alligator in a vest?"

- An Investigator 

LMAO

What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into the forest in the middle of the night.

One of them says, "I gotta admit, I'm scared out there."

The other replies, "You're scared..? I gotta walk back alone."

Morris   , an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.           
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.           
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'           
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''           
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.

 What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Sorry if this is a repeat.

Did you hear about the Chinese Mafia Boss? He made them an offer they couldn't understand.