A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, quietly in my sleep... not screaming in terror like his passengers.

 A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles."

The Dalai Lama walked into a pizza shop and said:

'Can you make me one with everything?'

 went to the book store and asked the assistant for any books about turtles.

She asked " Hardback? "

And I said.. .." yeah, and little heads. "

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

there once was a man from china

he wasnt a very good climber

he slipped on a rock, and cut off his cock

now he has a vagina

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!"

A few weeks ago I saw a Tik Tok video and went around to everyone that I know doing it. 
I'd be like Knock Knock. They'd be like Who der? And I'd say Europe. They'd say Europe who and I'd be like... no you. It was really fun. There was another where'd I'd say I eat mop. It was the best. I had a great time.

Why did the cloud not attend the job fair?

I think it was a mist opportunity.

Caution, naughty jokes incoming :P

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

"I want you inside me."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" 

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?