A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom. 

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory? He took a couple days off!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!

A blind man walked into a bar, then a table, then a chair and finally into a wall.
What is invisible but smells like a carrot? Rabbit farts
What do you call a fish with no eyes? a Fsh

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Why do they call it the Xbox 360? Because you look at it you 360 degrees and walk away

Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"
Bob: "I don't know, why?" 
Fred: "To hide in cherry trees." 
Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree." 
Fred: "See, it works."

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

The best joke in the world is a knock knock joke: two guys walk into a bar.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”

Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”

Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”

Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

I heard a variation of this one the other day but it goes:

"How do you cook an alligator?"

"I don't know. How?"

"With a crock-pot!"

Laugh.

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
 

Are you afraid of the calendar? no? well I am, it's days are numbered :P 

Why do dad's take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? in case they get a hole in one haha, never gets old

What do you call a crate an ex is holding?

an XBOX :D

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? 
 

Poor guy really needed some space. 

Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we'll know when the time comes

The worst time to have a heart attack....

.....during a game of charades