I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster, big mistake.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

A: An abdominal snowman

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

 I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."

I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. An hour passed, two hours passed. We finally asked the son where his father was. The boy shocked us by saying, "That man was not my father. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him."

A man walks into a bar and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

A boy found his palsl turned blue. So he came to hospital.

Tthe doctor said: 'Poor boy , your balls may have some problem. Advise you cut it off.' 

Then the boy went for surgery.

Several days later, He was back to home.

Found his underpants fade.

Fade...........

Fade...........

Fade...........

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

How do you get a peanut to laugh? You crack it up.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband,

"it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local store. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They carry on with their shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him laying on Aisle 5.

A man drives on the road. He overruns a dog and keeps driving. He overruns a cat and still keeps driving. Then he overruns a Hungarian so decides to back the car up, go forward, back up again, go forward again...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

Girl you must be tired because you been running through my mind all day. (Worst joke/come-on line of all times lol)

1. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
   A: An im-pasta.
2. Q: How do you make an artichoke?
   A: You strangle it.
3. Q: Why did the tomato blush?
   A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
4. Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
   A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
5. Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
   A: Dinner is on me.

Guy goes to a restaurant and orders a soup.

Waiter brings over the soup but as it arrives the guy notices that there is a little bug in it.

He goes to the waiter, "Excuse me, but there is a little bug in my soup"

The waiter goes red face and says "My apologies sir, I'll take it back and get you a bigger one"

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"