What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy!

Why do men like big boobs and small pu**y? 

Because they have big mouths and small dicks!

Please note: I do not mean ALL men by this! Just the pigs. :) 

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That's the punch line.

Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

My lack of knowledge on Greek literature has always been my Achilles' elbow.

 A joke becomes a dad joke when the punchline is apparent.

 Anybody who believes in telekinesis raise my hand.

 What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 There are two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

 A magician was driving down the road and turned into a driveway.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, “How do you drive this thing?”

 Just went to an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.

Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

Here's one I saw earlier today.

Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut? - He just needed some space.

Why do men like big boobs and small pu$$ie$?

Cause they have big mouths and small d!cks

"What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos?"

- A chipmunk!

*facepalms*

"Why did Mozart hate chickens?"

- Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, 'Bach! Bach! Bach!'"

"Why do seagulls fly over the sea?"

- If they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.

Two muffins are in the oven together, starting to bake.

The first muffin says, "Wow, it sure is getting hot in here."

The second muffin says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated arrr!

What does a pirate pay for his corn? A buccaneer!

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

1. Q. Why did the tomato blush? / A. Because it saw the salad dressing.
2. Q. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? / A. It had great food, but no atmosphere.
3. Q. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours? / A. Nacho cheese!
4. Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? / A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
5. Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? / A. A carrot.
6. Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? / A. Patty!
7. Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing? / A. The meatball.
8. Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? / A. Because he always has a great fall.