A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9 (seven ate nine)...

An oldie, but a classic.

A young boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, remember how you told me to put a banana in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the banana goes in the front!"

What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

... on a wall? Art

... in a hole? Phil

... in the water? Bob

What's the difference between 20 ded babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage...

Disclaimer: No... just... no....

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill.

They were Goodyears!

A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

Some good dad jokes right there. 

Indeed those were some nice dad jokes but do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Why can't a penguin play football? Because there's snowball. I got that beauty today from the Penguin biscuit I ate.

“Absolutely disgusting. I just saw a human centipede crawling around outside and the guy at the front of it wasn’t wearing a mask. How selfish can you be???” The comedy writer Keaton Patti made my favorite Twitter joke of the year—a gloriously gross goof on this terrible moment.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience. The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, “if you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!”

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. 

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there?

 ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Here are a few Harry Potter jokes.

What's Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?

Walking... JK, Rolling.

What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?
Orange Is the New Black.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? - "Make me one with everything."

*bangs head against desk.*

Want to hear a joke about my broken pencil? eh it's useless no point!

Or what did the one traffic light say to the other traffic light? ... Don't look im changing.