A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her b-shells.

Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

Why did the opera singer go sailing? They wanted to hit the high Cs.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

What do you call a pig that does karate?  -   A Pork Chop.

Why are there gates around cemeteries?  -  Because people are dying to get in.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?  -  Because if the flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he said the same thing. The third day, the same. When she finally returned she wanted to see her cat. Her boyfriend said that, sadly, her cat was dead. She went into a deep state of sadness. "Why didn't you just tell me?!" He said he didn't want to ruin her vacation. She said that he could have gently overtime. He asked what did she mean. She said the first day you could have said that she was on the roof and we couldn't get her down. The second day we got her down but she was injured but the veterinarian said should be fine. The third day he could have said that the cat was suffering worse than they thought. Etc, etc. It would have been lies but at least it would have cushioned the blow. Her boyfriend apologize and she said it was okay because he was only doing the right thing. So she asked how her mother was doing in the retirement home. He thought for a second and said, "She's on the roof and we can't get her down."

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

"Damn"

(This one is probably one of the worst...)

Where did Lucy go after the bombing?

"Everywhere"

Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.

“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

Two whales are drunk at a bar. One whale says... (make long whale coo-ing noises until everyone around you is pretty uncomfortable. Like I'm not shitting you, at least 1-2 full minutes of weird off pitch whale noises)

The other whale says... (Do a deep inhale like you're about to make more weird whale noises and so that everyone around you almost gets pissed and unfriends you on Facebook) "Go home, Frank. You're drunk"

Then there were the long, doomy months of anxious stuckness, running from the spring to the fall, during which so much felt so acutely at risk. Very little about the pandemic and our inability to rise to its challenges makes for the good kind of joke, but we adapt quickly to new realities, and the urge to laugh, bitterly or joyously, persists. We got a glimpse of comedic timing, for example, when various political leaders tried to bad-cop their constituents into taking the virus seriously. In November, New Jersey’s governor, Phil Murphy, responding to a question about people growing tired of wearing masks, said, “You know what’s really uncomfortable and annoying? When you die.” 

A pirate walked into a bar with the ship's wheel stuffed down his pants.   The bartender says, "Hey that can't be very comfortable".   The pirate replies, "Arrrrr, it's driving me nuts"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

Here's a dad joke:

What is a wok?

(answer usually relates to Asian cooking)

A:  Something you twough (throw) at a twain (train).

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

Both circle Uranus looking for Klingons to wipe out!

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”