A guy I knew was lighting a cigarette when he noticed me nearby.

He took out his pack and asked, "Cigarette?"

After taking a good look I confirmed it to him, "Yes, it is."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.  His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.  The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.  But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. 

His mother says:  "Billy, are you all right?  You've been in here for a while…
Billy says:  "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says:  "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.  But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "works for ketchup."

I was wondering why music was playing from my printer.
 

It turns out that the paper was jamming...

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. If you want something more visual than these short jokes, take a look at these daily life cartoons that prove life is funnier than any stand-up routine.

If you ever get a mail with the title "knock-knock" don't open it. It could be Jehovas Witnesses working from home.
A kid asks his dad if Adam had a mother in law. Dad replies, ofc not, that's why he lived in a paradise.

 

A guy walks into a chip shop with a fish under his arm. 

He asks "do you do fish cakes?"

The person behind the counter says "yes absolutely"

"brilliant because it's his birthday!" he replies

Capital Letters

The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Ok, so this one requires a little chemistry knowledge... nothing that you won’t already know if you’ve seen Breaking Bad though: -

16 sodium particles walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

A stupid joke about coffee... 

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

A girl takes her new boyfriend to meet the family.  They all sit down to dinner, after introductions, and feast on Mexican food.  They all retire to the living room with their dog named Spot.   Everything's going along just fine when the boyfriend develops gas.  He leans over to let a little out as the dog Spot is laying down next to him thinking they'll blame the dog.  Couple seconds late the father says Spot.  The boyfriend is thinking this is going great.  He leans over and lets out a little more and once again the father says Spot a little louder this time.  Now the boyfriend decides to just let it all out and lets it go.  Father says, Spot, you better move before that boy takes a shit on you.  :))

So there was a guy sitting at the bar he says do u want to hear a blonde joke the bartender says beforehand u should know I’m an ex navy seal an the lady next to u us a 5th degree black belt so u sure u still wanna tell the joke he says no I don’t wanna have to explain it

Since Wyatterbb butchered his poor joke, i'll repeat it with the fuller version. Still a poor joke right enough!

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" Bartender approaches the man and whispers to him "Before you tell the joke, you should know that the woman on your left is blonde and a 5th degree black belt, i'm blonde and an ex navy seal and the woman to your right is a blonde pyscho that is usually carrying a weapon. Still want to tell your joke?"

The man thinks for a moment and turns back to the bartender. "Nah, no point telling it if i'm going to have to explain it several times".

just another late afternoon, almost evening, somewhere in some place..

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says

Gosh, what a long face

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

no idea(no eye deer)

What do you call a deer with no legs?

STILL no idea (still no eye dear!)

:D 

Guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.  He hears "Hey jackass, give me a drink".  He watches the bartender pour the guy a drink and moves on.  The guy hears again, "Hey jackass, give me a drink".  Once again the bartender pours the guy a drink.  Curious he ask the bartender "why does he call you jackass every time he wants a drink'?  Bartender replies, HE HAW....HE HAW....HE ALWAYS CALLS ME THAT!  :))

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

I'm not sure it's the worst joke but here you go.

Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Teacher: "It's 'may.'"

Student: "No, it's January."