I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

They only get worse from me, trust me on that.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

One more to show a trilogy of terrible jokes...

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

Do you know what I said when Whirl confessed he loved me? I told him, "Get a-grip-a yourself" 

IS THAT CORNY ENOUGH, WHIRLY BOY

We're into December now, so it's time for the terrible Christmas cracker style jokes. Sorry! 

--

What goes Ho Ho Ho, thump?

Santa laughing his head off!

--

Who is Santa's least favourite reindeer?

Rude-olph!

What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree? 

A pineapple....

---

Why did Rudolph get a bad report card?

Because he went down in history

Which knight invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumfrence

*bdummmtsssss*

thank you, thank you... I know it was great. Koodos to my nerdy math teacher this semester 

Paddy and Mick want to immigrate to Australia, so they head to the nearest Immigration Office.

Mick goes in first, and after 5 mins he comes out and gives his brother the thumbs up and says "I'm in!"

Paddy goes next and the Immigration Officer says,
"What kind of work do you do?"
Paddy replies "I'm a turf cutter"

The officer runs his finger down his list of jobs and says
"Sorry, we don't need turf cutters in Australia, I cant let you in!"
Paddy goes "But you don't understand, I'm the best, the straightest, the neatest turf cutter in all of Ireland. If theres turf to be cut, I'm your man!"
Officer: "No, you dont understand, we have no turf in Australia, I'm sorry there is no place for you."

Paddy: "But you let my brother in not 5 mins ago!!"

Officer: "Yes, but he's a Pilot"

Paddy: "I know, but if I don't cut it, he can't pile it!

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

What do you call someone that is crying because they just found out they have terminal cancer?

....kemosabe

Oh, I know a few corny jokes..

Q: Have you heard the joke about a skunk?

A: Ahh, never mind it stinks.

Q: What did the dad skunk say to his family when they were about to eat dinner? 

A: Let us spray.

that's all for now.

"What is Forrest Gump’s email password?"

1forrest1.

I see some knock knock jokes here.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock jokes?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

Following on nicely from Takkar's no-bell joke, I have this truly dreadful gem to offer:

- Why do cows wear bells?

- Cos their horns don't work.

Ooooft, it's bad XD

Oh, how fun..!

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was.. TOO FAAAAR OUT MAAAAAAAAAAN.

What do you call a frog without legs? - Hopeless.
A girl complained to his boyfriend that she wanted to go home because she was freezing, he replied: "Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees."

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."