Why did the skeleton go to the ball on his own?

He had no body to go with.....

Archbishop of Canturbury invented a spray for lettuce.

He called it 'Lettuce Spray'(Let us pray)

my favorate 

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

Ah yes i got this one from my super awesome filipino friend apparently they have these caramelized bananas and sweet potatoes (kamote) on sticks called bananacue and kamotecue.

So if a banana on a stick is a bananacue

And a kamote on a stick is a kamotecue

What’s a horse on a stick?....... A carousel

Did you hear the rumor about the butter? I'd tell you but I don't wanna spread it... I know what you're thinking l "how dairy!"

Please don't hate me xD

My favorite dumb joke was one told to me a couple of decades ago by my 7th grade teacher.

There was a man named Ted. Ted had a wooden eye as a replacement he lost in a war. He had issues talking to people because people would just focus on his eye, or make fun of it.

One day there was to be a glorious ball in honor of the king. All people were invited. Big, small, ugly, tall. None of it mattered.

"Perfect", thinks Ted. "There must be at least one woman as unfortunate in disfigurement as I. I will attend and try to find true love."

Ted goes to the ball and he scans the room. He sees so many women..but they are too too pretty. Too tall. Too rich. Too perfect. Eventually his eyes lock onto a woman in the back corner of the room sitting by herself. She had a very pretty face and he could not figure out why men were not lining up to talk to her.

As Ted walked up to her he noticed. She had a hunchback. Not a regular hunchback, it was the kind that made her look almost doubled over. "For sure, someone living with this must be willing to accept the fact I have a wooden eye!" thought Ted.

So Ted walks up, runs his fingers through his hair and says, "Madame, would you like to dance?"

The girl looks up, overjoyed. Tears in her eyes and she exclaims "OH WOULD I? WOULD I?"

Ted jumps back in surprise and yells back, "HUNCHBACK HUNCHBACK!"

And thats the end of the story. Thanks for reading!

Donald Trump is the most honest and trusty human being on this earth, despite if all says hes a hoast.

Btw, we call him already Donald Ducky where I live since the real Donald already is about 100% more interesting than this Duckie sitting in the WH now. And why not öetting all duck-hunters cisiting the WH and try to shoot down this sorry ass that just walks from the left wing into his appartment and when he do that its a legal shot for all, but just one shot per person.

so here is mine 
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

two parrots on a perch

one turns to the other and says

'can you smell fish'?

why did the chicken cross the road

to get to the other side

For some odd reason, I remember this REALLY bad joke from one of my teachers all the way back in primary school:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Adolf.

Adolf who?

Adolf ball hit me in da deeth.

Yes......terrible.