A father was put in the garden when he saw his son opening the windows and throwing out the alarm clock.
Dad asks his son why he threw the clock out of the window.
The son replied that he wanted to see time fly away.

Couple of jokes I like.. they mayu have been mentioned already so APOLOGIES.

"A man walks into a bar... ouch"

The second one, shamelessly stolen from Peter Kay (my favourite comedian by a country mile...)

"I called up the Chinese I said do you de-liver? They said no we do lamb, chicken and pork"

i love bad jokes too, sometimes is so bad that you must to laugh

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!

ok, a good one now (especially for old people as Whirl)

INSURANCE LOVE LIFE

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked:

 “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.”

He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

- Where did you buy your prosthetic hand? 

- At a second-hand store.

I've decided to live on my own from now on, says the 20 something son to his parents
- Oh, that's a very grown-up and mature decision. we support you 100%
- Good, your bags are outside.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I will leave now.

In honour of 2021, here are a couple themed ones!

What is corn's favourite holidays?

New Ear's Day!

At the beginning of this year, I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds...Only 20 more to go!

What's the best New Years resolution?

1080p

I have a couple of jokes that I want to share

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? "Show me the honey!"

What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!

What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.
The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother “I’m in!"

The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview.

“So Mr... Patrick O’Malley”, the interviewer begins. “What skills can you bring to Australia?”

Patrick explains: “Well, I’m a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cutter...”

“That’s a shame”, interrupts the interviewer. “They don’t really need turf cutters in Australia. There’s just not that much turf.”

“But you let me brother in!”

“That’s because your brother is a pilot. Pilots are high in demand.”

Patrick cries: “But if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it!”

What do you call a cow who has survived an earthquake? Milkshake
What do the pope and crazy cat lady have in common? Both are cat-hollics
How do you say doormat in Spanish? Matadoor

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”

Heard this earlier and it was terrible but made me laugh...

Thanks to being stuck in yet another lockdown, my drinking problems have gotten much worse. I've started drinking brake fluid. Keep telling myself though, I can stop anytime...

what did the hamber say to his wife?.... Nice to Meat you Patty

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere!

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, "I'm gonna make your life a living I yelled back, "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."