Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. I make my own lunch.” 

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
 

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
 

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
 

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die."

The second cow replies, "Good thing I‘m a helicopter."

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.

This reminds me of this joke:

My daughter received this e-mail from a prospective student prior to the start of the semester: “Dear Professor, I won’t be able to come to any of your classes or meet for any of the tests. Is this a problem?” —Carol Harper

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

If you’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

What did the puzzle say to the boy?

Wanna piece of me?

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!". The other cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter".

Nothing to liven things up like a ghost joke.

Why are ghosts never invited to concerts?

Because all they do is boo !

Are you a shrimp?
No, why?
Because even if I'm allergic, I'd still eat you