I can't believe I forgot to tell this one, it's one of my faves, and have used it to make a bartender grimace and then laugh so I think it's a winner!

How do you get a pikachu on a bus?

You poke-m-on!

A pastor was preaching a sermon one Sunday morning. In strolled the devil. Every one scattered except for the preacher and an elderly man. The devil walks up to the preacher and bows down to him saying I am in fear of God's Word preacher, and then he gets up looks at the elderly gentleman and said, hey old man how come you didn't run like the rest of them. The elderly man says to the devil as he was getting up off the pugh and says devil you should know me. The devil kinda stood back scratched his head and said should I know you. The elderly man says yes you should I've been married to your sister for the last 30 years.

I bought some cool shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Lol :)

Took me longer than I’m proud to admit to get this one... then I laughed. A lot.

-Why should you not fart in an Apple store?

-Cos they don’t have windows

😂

Alright here's 2 for ya today courtesy of a friend of mine who loves bad jokes

What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Wasa-B!

I broke a key off my keyboard yesterday...
I lost control.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead.

It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.”

Lol

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the, kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.

By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to

bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

 I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

a High quality bad joke is hard to come by. I often think of 2.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

and the ever classic: What did one fish in the tank say to the other fish in the tank? "Hey, who's driving this thing?"

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

I had to go to the bathroom the other day and was browsing Facebook on the toilet. Someone had an inspirational post like 'God is watching you all the time'. I had to stop and look around for a sec.

What is Yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

:)

Sometimes this get stupid and not the jokes but the lengths they need to be. So I will try it again.

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Here's two for you, one just because I thought it was funny and the other because it's going with the times.

Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
 Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

There's a snow storm warning for NY, including Wall Street.
 What a terrible time for shorts.

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m ok.

There was a man called Gary who had no arms after an horrific accident in his teens, he battled through this loss with strength and still retained his humour and would often drop jokes to lighten any mood, one of them being

"knock knock" 

"who's there?" 

"Not Gary"